Thursday, April 7, 2011
Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who
was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Bob's Burgers" Renewed By Fox
"Bob's Burgers," the freshman animated sitcom on Fox, has been renewed for a second season. The show received a 13-episode pick-up from the network on Thursday. It has drawn solid audience figures and will likely be one of a rotating stable of animated shows in its time slot.
my favorite rap song
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,
but he keeps on forgettin what he wrote down,
the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
(You better)
The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no more, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
[Hook]
No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go it's my shot.
Feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity that I got
You can do anything you set your mind to, m
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,
but he keeps on forgettin what he wrote down,
the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
(You better)
The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no more, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
[Hook]
No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go it's my shot.
Feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity that I got
You can do anything you set your mind to, m
Thursday, March 31, 2011
NASCAR SUCKS
(Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks)
Spurned by the effort put forth by ‘Rios in The Booth regarding his distaste for Soccer, The Sports PhD figured why not alienate and piss off more readers. The following chronicles why NASCAR SUCKS:
1. The ‘SC’ in NASCAR stands for stock car. Stock car means these cars are from the factory, or actual models. Last I checked, when buying a Lumina, the Jeff Gordon options package was not available.
2. NASCAR is the largest spectator sport in the States. This is true. It is a spectator sport. You cannot play, since ‘stock’ cars aren’t really used. Can you go out back with your son and play NASCAR? It is the sport of white trash, and they cannot afford these ‘stock’ cars. Ask, “Do you like to play NASCAR?” Is there even a response for that?
3. Those people who wear those ugly pit crew jackets of their favorite driver. I just have to laugh. Do women think this is attractive? They know on a nice summer weekend day, they will be stuck watching racing for 5 hours on TV? This leads to #4.
4. Domestic Violence.
5. The defenders of NASCAR detailing the tailgating and barbecuing which is so good at the races. Last I checked; this is done at most sporting events.
6. How many times have I wrote, “last I checked” so far? Two.
7. Average IQ of NASCAR fan? See #6.
8. Cheating is essential to the sport. I cannot plead ignorance because I have seen specials about this. Removable panels to pass weight check, and multiple alterations between inspection and the race. Very ethical. “Hey Cletus, let’s rob da dem there bank!”
9. The people who drive the “Tricked Out” Monte Carlo’s cause they think they are playing NASCAR. When they are almost home, do they call their wives telling them they need 4 tires?
10. People who call drivers athletes.
11. 4 out of 5 NASCAR fans have 3 teeth.
12. 4 out of 5 NASCAR fans prefer shot gunning a beer.
13. NASCAR drivers have hot chicks. This pisses me off. But does it really? Would I really want some girl who wants a NASCAR driver? My head says no, and I really do not want VD.
14. Country Music.
15. Not enough death to make it interesting.
16. Winning under the yellow flag. This would be like winning during a timeout in basketball.
17. Dale Earnhardt immortalized.
18. Turning left.
19. Gay midget porn.
20. How does The PhD fix NASCAR? Paint a yellow dotted line down the middle of the track making two lanes. Not a solid lane cause passing is allowed. Run half the cars in one direction on the top half of the track, and the other half the other direction on the bottom half. To pass, you need to pass on the other side of the track, head on with the other cars. Just imagine…
Spurned by the effort put forth by ‘Rios in The Booth regarding his distaste for Soccer, The Sports PhD figured why not alienate and piss off more readers. The following chronicles why NASCAR SUCKS:
1. The ‘SC’ in NASCAR stands for stock car. Stock car means these cars are from the factory, or actual models. Last I checked, when buying a Lumina, the Jeff Gordon options package was not available.
2. NASCAR is the largest spectator sport in the States. This is true. It is a spectator sport. You cannot play, since ‘stock’ cars aren’t really used. Can you go out back with your son and play NASCAR? It is the sport of white trash, and they cannot afford these ‘stock’ cars. Ask, “Do you like to play NASCAR?” Is there even a response for that?
3. Those people who wear those ugly pit crew jackets of their favorite driver. I just have to laugh. Do women think this is attractive? They know on a nice summer weekend day, they will be stuck watching racing for 5 hours on TV? This leads to #4.
4. Domestic Violence.
5. The defenders of NASCAR detailing the tailgating and barbecuing which is so good at the races. Last I checked; this is done at most sporting events.
6. How many times have I wrote, “last I checked” so far? Two.
7. Average IQ of NASCAR fan? See #6.
8. Cheating is essential to the sport. I cannot plead ignorance because I have seen specials about this. Removable panels to pass weight check, and multiple alterations between inspection and the race. Very ethical. “Hey Cletus, let’s rob da dem there bank!”
9. The people who drive the “Tricked Out” Monte Carlo’s cause they think they are playing NASCAR. When they are almost home, do they call their wives telling them they need 4 tires?
10. People who call drivers athletes.
11. 4 out of 5 NASCAR fans have 3 teeth.
12. 4 out of 5 NASCAR fans prefer shot gunning a beer.
13. NASCAR drivers have hot chicks. This pisses me off. But does it really? Would I really want some girl who wants a NASCAR driver? My head says no, and I really do not want VD.
14. Country Music.
15. Not enough death to make it interesting.
16. Winning under the yellow flag. This would be like winning during a timeout in basketball.
17. Dale Earnhardt immortalized.
18. Turning left.
19. Gay midget porn.
20. How does The PhD fix NASCAR? Paint a yellow dotted line down the middle of the track making two lanes. Not a solid lane cause passing is allowed. Run half the cars in one direction on the top half of the track, and the other half the other direction on the bottom half. To pass, you need to pass on the other side of the track, head on with the other cars. Just imagine…
A boyfriend
When she walks away from you mad===[ Follow her ]
When she stare's at your lips===[ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hit's you===[ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she start's cursing at you===[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she's quiet===[ Ask her what’s wrong ]
When she ignore's you===[ Give her your attention ]
When she pulls away==[ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst===[ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying==[Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking==[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared===[ Protect her ]
When she lay's her head on your shoulder===[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steal's your favorite hat==[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she tease's you===[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time===[ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt==[ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]
When she say's that she like's you==[ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grab's at your hands===[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]
When she bump's into you===[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret===[ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes===[ don’t look away until she does ]
WHEN SHE MISSES YOU===[ SHES HURTING INSIDE]
When you break her heart===[ the pain NEVER really goes away ]
When she says its over===[ she STILL wants you to be hers ]
When she repost this bulletin===[ she wants you to read it ]
- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
-DON'T let her have the last word.
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok don’t believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- Tease her and let her tease you back.
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes.
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
When she stare's at your lips===[ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hit's you===[ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she start's cursing at you===[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she's quiet===[ Ask her what’s wrong ]
When she ignore's you===[ Give her your attention ]
When she pulls away==[ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst===[ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying==[Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking==[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared===[ Protect her ]
When she lay's her head on your shoulder===[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steal's your favorite hat==[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she tease's you===[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time===[ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt==[ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]
When she say's that she like's you==[ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grab's at your hands===[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]
When she bump's into you===[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret===[ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes===[ don’t look away until she does ]
WHEN SHE MISSES YOU===[ SHES HURTING INSIDE]
When you break her heart===[ the pain NEVER really goes away ]
When she says its over===[ she STILL wants you to be hers ]
When she repost this bulletin===[ she wants you to read it ]
- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
-DON'T let her have the last word.
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok don’t believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- Tease her and let her tease you back.
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes.
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
This is how every girl should be treated
To every guy that's said "Sex CAN wait".
To every guy that's said "You're beautiful", not hot or sexy, just beautiful.
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because that's how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that was patient with her, when she was cranky.
To every guy that loves her, no matter what flaws she has.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore, and because of this, there are not many left out
To every guy that's said "You're beautiful", not hot or sexy, just beautiful.
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because that's how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that was patient with her, when she was cranky.
To every guy that loves her, no matter what flaws she has.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore, and because of this, there are not many left out
Thursday, March 24, 2011
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